Silence, I crave it. I need for no noise. In both the literal and figurative sense. I remember when my husband and I first started dating (for the second time. 8 years after the first time we dated). I would wake up in his condo, make coffee, just sit quietly in the living room, and breath. He would wake up a bit later and tell me that I am always welcome to turn on the TV, etc. and I would always tell him, "I enjoy the silence."
The silence is how I seek the answers. It's how I slow the world down. It's how I bring it all back to the essence of me and find some deep inner wisdom.
The world is pure chaos right now or, that's how it's being perceived by so many of us. Myself included. It's not a particular place that I like to be. In the midst of chaos. It sends my mind into a tailspin and immediately begins to harden my heart. I've worked very hard to break down those walls that like to shield my heart. The last 2 months I have slowly begun to feel the walls start to rise around it as I just mindlessly scroll through the abyss of social media on my phone. Having more time on my hands since the "stay at home" requests, I, like most of you have had a bit more time to stare at social media. More time to scroll through each other's photos and life happenings. It's also given more time for the nonsense, bullshit, and noise. More time to watch the tensions build, fight with each other online, shove our opinions down each other's throats, and more time to be complete fucking assholes. I've witnessed ridiculous conspiracy theories, a whole bunch of people telling other people what to do, and an insane amount of racist banter. I have even received personal messages from FAMILY trying to defend their blatant racism. To me. A person of color. A Filipina woman.
I have had enough.
As someone who studies peace, yoga, and meditation, to watch the world around be so ugly it's become harder and harder for me to see the light. As someone who also teaches yoga, meditation, peace, and love, I need to always see that light. I need to spread that light. It's getting harder and harder to do. Staring in to the abyss of my phone in't helping. I need to silence the noise.
There are some major things within my self that need to change if the reactions I'm feeling cause my blood to boil. I have an anger and rage that burn deep deep inside of me. My inner fire is not a gentle roar. It's a village destroying breath of dragon fire and right now I want to burn the whole world to the ground. That right there is why I need to turn inside and retreat to the silence. I need to change the things that make me want to react in this way.
I have spent the last 20 years of my life working on that inner flame. The rage that burns inside. To feel it begin to boil again sucks! To feel my heart begin to harden is so damn depressing. All I do is cry anymore. Well, I'm done. I see it, I recognize it, and I'm going to change it. I'm going to enjoy the silence and seek the answers. The answers of how I change myself and the answers of how to change the world. Right now, this is all I have. This place to come to and write whatever the hell my heart desires. Writing into the void of no one, nothing, or everyone and everything. I guess we shall see...